Poetry Diary (The Good, The Bad, and the Questionable Structure) - Libby Lewis

poetry 213

2009-12-28T07:58:08Z

Revert to what I used to be
A moment in reality where nostalgia
Doesn't bother me
I'll take a sip of that old glass
And think of time from ages past
And murmur underneath my breath
At words that flow from thoughts I kept
They watch me clamber in the dark
Nights left alone to ponder my art
A rarity in creative flow
The hurt remained but I never let go
A sadness in what used to be
A poorness in divinity
Pedestals remain dusty and dreary
Tears only ever make me feel weary
It's odd when nothing gives a release
When back then, what I did for myself
Could settle my beasts

poetry 212

2009-12-20T04:51:35Z

Goodmorning darling,
Hope you feel well this time
Hope all your dreams don't go to hell this time
So tired of hearing from other people-
They don't understand the way I feel

Sweet dreams my sweetheart,
Give me a moment to take a breath
I need a place to rest my head
Underneath your willow-branch arms
Encompassing me in the past

Tickle me in the moonlight
As we smile our lives away
Sometimes it's nice just to forget
Sometimes it's alright to stay

Despite all of where we disagree
We can't argue that we've got
A piece of each other
Stuck onto our hearts and minds
We think about our splendor all the time

And every time the days disappear
Faster and sadder and it's not nearly a year!
We've got some time left to save what's here,
I will always remember you as mine

poetry 211

2009-12-12T02:26:35Z

Why can't I be alone forever?
If I were I'd be as happy as can be
I'd sail across the ocean
I'd fly across the seas
I'd take to the trails with my own walking stick
Whittled by time and the people before
I'm so tired of the past betraying me
But loneliness means the past is erased,
And I can't stand my life anymore
I see opportunity in everyone else's eyes,
And I wonder if they feel as complete as they look
I stare at my reflection and feel
Like the earth has shattered and I'm shaking,
As if something has been taken away-
I'm wondering what those people took;
And there is just a vast and empty cavern
Left that my soul once inhabited
A place to hide my inner thoughts
Of peacefulness and solace;
They do not come at this time,
But maybe in a few years my wish will come true,
I will have no one to have to hold on to,
And then they will all leave me to my own dust
I'm sorry I'm doing what I must,
But I've lost faith in the rest of this human race
Forever an outcast, I'd be happy to the grave.

poetry 209

2009-11-15T03:26:30Z

I once planted a garden that smelled dewy and sweet
They followed the aromas down the hot pavements,
The nectar of the summer air delivered them to me
But the wind was far too dry and no water could save them

We once built a house on top of my dead garden
To try and construct something new and complete
But once we were finished our hearts, they were hardened
And once the door closed it blew up in the street

They once told me stories of places I've been to
I don't remember much of the truth that they said
The sickly beginnings and the sickest of endings
Have told me I want to go back before I'm dead

I once rode a plane to see worldly sites
The worlds no one ever wants me to see
But what's part of my world now is different and might
Actually be the better life for me

You once wrote me a song and told me how to sing along
But I didn't think it sounded right, And
Sometimes I feel like my ancient feelings are lonely and wrong
I look up to the clouds that combine and distort the light
It reminds me of you on this desolate, cold night.

poetry 208

2009-11-12T20:12:48Z

Immune to your defensiveness I stand alone
I stand up for my own benefits
I gain consciousness of lies and
They're all the same like someone once told me
Years ago it takes a while to find a keeper
It takes awhile to know what's there to keep with you
And what you should just let go of
Where's the discord in all this supposed harmony
Love fell out with charm and knowledge
Multiple times but is it still there?
Or am I worried about things that don't exist?
I want to feel something again but I don't know
If they care and I want to show some emotion
But I think I've lost care for that devotion
To anyone else, just worrying for now about myself,
Call me selfish, go ahead, but I'd rather not be
Something I'm not- as I've been so many times before,
In attempts to impress people I didn't know I was
Trying too hard to be liked,
And then when I stopped trying they stopped liking,
Seems like I don't really want to be liked-
I just want to be honest anymore
And maybe that's a part of growing up that
I had to do in order to understand that maybe
I'm not a bad person, maybe I just let things go too far sometimes
And I just got walked all over.
I know I'm too late to change some things,
I know things and people pass and disappear
But I have to stop letting things pull me down
When I shouldn't have anything to fear
By being myself.....

poetry 207

2009-10-30T02:50:43Z

As you climb up into your nest
You feel the sun turn its light away
And the rain falls through the branches
Like droplets of crystal
Your eyes glimmer as you stare
At the approaching moon
Pondering what kind of man lives on it
Wondering if you reach your hands a little further
You might grasp it and tug it closer to you
Feel the warmth it seems to bring in its glow
Though the rain is slow and turns to snow
You do not feel its chill
You close your eyes and feel its beat
You tap your feet to the music the silence makes
The wind brushes your eyelashes to part
Along with your lips in surprise,
And you tilt your head in just the right fashion
So that no one else but the moon can see
Your life is full of some sort of passion
That comes back from time to time

poetry 206

2009-10-13T23:02:24Z

Going for a walk just to clear my senses
Brisk autumn air and I feel no chill
Just the bitterness in my heart
When I think of how I loved you still
But the problem persists when you restrict
What I feel like I need and I feel like it's good
They say it's all bad and I don't know what's right
I don't know if I should
Just hold back on what I'm feeling
Or let it all loose hanging out of this ceiling
Of doubt and remorse for what I left behind
When I took off on his horse and I don't know sometimes
Tears fill my eyes with sorrowful feelings
Of hatred and anger and things I'm tired of seeing
In other lives why does it have to infect my own?
I've never done anything to harm anyone but yet
I feel the worst coming to me when I should be okay
What's expected is rejected and I'm not today
I'm not tomorrow, only yesterday when emotions
Were coasting atop of the clouds
Where my subconscious lies and it tells me stories
Whenever I dream about you and me
Tells me beautiful things I don't feel anymore
In reality where did they go?
Why did I let it all disappear before me
As if I needed a change
Well maybe change was bad
Maybe I need another change,
Just trying to find another good in this world
Trying to find another place to stay
But it seems my rest in one spot is
Always temporary and I am just a
Replacement for what should be existing in the
Dent I leave in the cushion, the breaking cracking paint on the wall,
The broken window, the shattered mirror and the marks of children growing against
What isn't my door anymore and there's something strange inside me
Willing to burn pictures and memories of people who have left,
Sometimes I blame myself but now where does the blame go?
I drop my intellectual belongings from the top of the clouds
And they disappear as the leaves do under the falling snow
Which will eventually turn dirty and melt,
Evaporate, and become rain again..

poetry 205

2009-10-12T01:42:19Z

There's a bitter taste on your tongue
When the commission comes you'll be forced to run
When the strange decisions make up what you don't want to be anymore
There's a deranged precision to what you really are
The only way one can know
Is to separate the days from the night
To understand what we've done that's right
You know that the penetrating look the eyes give
Isn't always a sign of forgiveness
Just stay relentless in your efforts
Don't forget where you stand
There is always a ghost who simply holds your hand
And you try to let it go but you can't

poetry 204

2009-10-09T14:24:58Z

Oh where the hell did my life go?
I thought I saw it pass me by a moment ago
I thought I saw it in the frozen smile she was making
The heart I was breaking
The time just flies too fast
Of course the wind carries everything
Laughter,sunshine, and the pouring rain,
But it took my breath with the summer air
And left me standing here
Just wondering what to do
There's nothing left in these brown eyes
Just a vacuous black abyss
I cannot tell you all my little lies
Just to keep them happy
I keep going on,
Hoping someday that I'll feel alright again
I'll feel like I really belong
But no, I don't know where to go from here
I sip the ice cream through a plastic straw
And I get up off of my ass and take a walk
Just to feel the air chill what's remaining of me
To feel the kisses of the sunlight
And I keep in my fist a little grasp of the days
When I could feel through the stormy haze
And I could touch what wasn't mine
Just to understand what I'd never found before
Mmm, just give me some more time,
I'll find a way out of this life
And into someone else's life,
Something new, I just think I need you
To say that you still care
But I know you're not there.
And you never will be again,
Just hit the high road and tell me
To pack my bags
I'm not going to let you close my eyes for me
Blindfolded I walk through these clouded streets
Where's the back door, I need a way out of this place
So I can find my own familiar faces
And I'm going to drift throughout space
Until then

poetry 203

2009-10-04T05:50:22Z

Oh I've been up and I've been down
I've seen strange familiarities about this town
A smile, a laugh, an illiterate noise
I cannot speak of little boys
I hunger for your lips
To taste their sweet whispers as I
Awaken next to you in the mid-afternoon
Sunlight glimmers across our faces
Amidst the hardship of different places
The actions of my darling hands
Burn passion through you like the quickest sand
And although this healing is caustic and deranged
There is sometimes satisfaction from separation and pain.
My eyes hurt when we rattle the bars
To my cage of broken experiences,
Seemingly scattered throughout the universe
Like distant, floating stars

poetry 202

2009-09-29T19:05:44Z

I can't take these paper-thin walls
I can't hear your paper-thin voice
Through these mix-matched misgivings you give me
As if this was all my choice
Well I don't know if I've made the right ones
But I've turned out okay
I've closed up the piano box I buried you in
Dug you up one day
I don't need the reminders anymore
Don't need anyone to hit on my door
Telling me to stop procrastinating and start breathing
Start thinking and concentrating
What is concentration but a loaded conscience
Shot to the ceiling of your styrofoam room
And I get a nervous twitch when you come by
I start to ponder all the whys
And where I'm a necessary commodity
And where I'm not
Where I belong and where I want to belong
I'm trying to find the difference
Without regretting the path I take to get to that place
Where I am supposed to find something else

poetry 201

2009-09-19T06:00:50Z

I leap into my escape
I fall through the glass and keep gliding along the air
Each obstacle that hits me becomes
Harder than the next
And I am battered and shaken and ill,
My eyes dry in the wind but
They over-dry and feel like desert sand
When I blink and realize that I am still falling
It seems like this abyss of confusion
Never stops and never seems to care for me
It just lost interest like everyone else
And keeps going on just to spite me
Just to say that someday I will never be quite right
That all of these experiences are ruining me
That I am simply hated and I don't know why
For doing things for myself and
Maybe I need a break from all this falseness in my life
Maybe I'd rather be doing something else
Than what they all expect of me,
I'm tired of the expectancies,
I want to work and then have it all pay off
I want to travel the world and see new sites,
Without having the burden of people being hurtful
Towards my ambitions,
I don't need anyone around to make me happy,
At least not as much as I think I do,
I find comfort that I have people to keep in my heart
That's all I need, just the sole comfort of truth
In their eyes and warmth when they speak
Not anger and hatred and jealousy,
Because it seems that all I've gotten from everyone
Who I once thought really cared about me,
When I've shown nothing but care and concern and encouragement,
They shoot me down,
And I feel like it's time to leave every town I go to
Because I can't handle another disappointment
I can't handle getting attached to people and then having
The attachment become painful and tragic,
And become things I never wanted it to be from the start,
And I know it's not my fault but at the same time
I think it's my fault to even love or like in the first place,
Because all that I've done is managed to
Get myself thrown threw a window,
And I'm still dropping.. wondering
When its going to stop,
If this is all there is,
If time can manifest itself differently
And people can be happy with what I have tried to give..

poetry 200

2009-09-14T17:56:15Z

Here's my 200th post of poetry- a reflection on all of my friends, my loves, all the people that I miss. This poem isn't about just one person. It goes out to everyone I've made mistakes with, many of whom have been in my dreams lately. It's quite creepy just how much they've been on my mind. Figured if I keep writing my way through my problems and qualms it'll eventually all make sense and leave me alone to happier thoughts. I dwell a bit too much on the past- just in a desperate effort to make sense of the present, I guess. Keep in mind to anyone stopping by this page that though a good percentage of my poems are sad, angry, or dark, there are quite a few that are happy and light. I just don't think that the happy poems are always as good as my sad ones.. XO Libby

I can't believe that reminds you of me
All it does is make me understand what you believe
We've become, what you believe I've done,
I look at a faded picture of days that feel like
Ages ago, when we were younger and seemed more true
What kind of monster am I to you?
What have I done to deserve this pain?

Every time I see your face,
I see you look right through me like a windowpane
Every time I feel a touch that isn't yours
I wonder where you are
And why it's such a distance to reach you,
To understand your unforgiving heart

Again I've disappeared into nothingness,
Unaware and unsure of who cares,
Pretending I'm okay just so you're okay,
Uncertain and tired of searching but always searching
Always retaining some glimmer of hope that
When I wake up you will roll over on top of me,
When I open my eyes I will look into yours
And smile again at having you completely.

poetry 199

2009-09-14T05:43:06Z

"Happiness Lies"

See the look I give
Feel it break you
Feel my sadness behind my eyes
The push of something new
I developed a lie about it
To change what's meant to be
I developed a song about them
But it never came up in conversation
I was dragging your soul behind me
In a ruined cardboard box
That smelt of all the fishes
That you threw back into the pond as a child
Or was that me?
My jumbled thoughts and memories
Confuse the hell out of my life
Conjunction of anger and seduction
And the thoughts of them with another
They fall through my spine
Like the droplets of a tap
Springing forth from my mind
Burnt candles, sickly sweet
Describe the love in ecstasy
Kiss me again and it'll feel alright
Without you here it's not a goodnight
It's just another goodbye and
Another painful word I have to hear
Another painful happiness that I can't even feel
What makes me happy?
I don't know
They used to but They've died with time,
Oh, I'm praying to God again for us all-
Confusion-
Seclusion-
Sometimes I'm all alone
Sitting in a comfort-zone
Dreaming about what used to be
Holding the remnants of me
That you broke loose when
You talk of days that feel like years
Was it worth all the tiresome tears shed for
The lack in today?

poetry 198

2009-09-09T00:32:46Z

I've got to stop picking up pieces of ripped-up times
I need to make new faces when people disappear from my life
But it's difficult when strain bogs me down
I am piled atop a mountain of regret and uncertainty
For what lies ahead, and I wonder if
It's all a pattern and a stupid illusion to a better day
I am in pain at the thought of assimilating
I am in pain because I've changed
But I'm strong underneath all of these fears
Yet I feel like I have nothing to gain
Maybe I'm just running away from problems
So that I don't have to face them at home,
Maybe that's why I'm away because
I want things to die without me being there
Expectations from all around drown my voice
I am quiet and occasionally smile
But it's not who I really am
They don't know who I really am,
Because I can't understand me yet,
I am just an ugly clown who has an awkward presence
No matter what town I'm in,
I seem too strange to fit anywhere
Like a broken cracker falling into water
Just slowly crumbling into mush
My brain defaults its actions
My body forgets what's important
And my heart tells me it's not into anything
That it used to be into.

So tired of jealousy and the lingering figure
At my window
Tapping consistently like a bird against a tree
And I fall hard when I jump
Because I listen to the problems
I listen to the words I don't want to hear
I keep them tucked inside a fold of me
I empty it out from time to time,
Just so I don't have to feel it burn through
The skin of your overcoat latches onto my arm
And I can't help but sink as I go down the tubes
Into a place yet again more unfamiliar,
More heartless and wild,
A place where dreams are calming, not overbearing,
A place where thoughts are appreciated,
Kind words are well-spoken
And a place where I can keep a piece of people with me
Without it leaving an after-shock of woe and hurt
All my fault..

poetry 197

2009-09-03T02:34:33Z

I've dreamed enough dreams for two
I hear so much sadness I am almost forced to feel it
I cannot bear to bear this weight sometimes
But I tough things out on my own just fine
If they can't handle my independence,
Then I'll have to handle it myself
But once they understand that I am no harm,
I just have problems I keep on a shelf
I lock it up but it falls over easily
And breaks the lock loose
I don't know if I'm looking in the right places
But I'm looking for something new
I feel confident enough on my own,
But it gets me a little down when
I just don't want to be alone
So maybe someone else will come into play
A friend to last at least while I'm here,
Someone who is here to stay
I'm tired of waiting or watching time pass slowly,
My nose in a book,
My back burned from unexpected sun,
My brain and feelings numbed from too much as once
I just want to remember how to feel,
Maybe going home is the only way to recall that-
But I need to be with people who can see me
For more than what I seem to be.

poetry 196

2009-08-29T04:26:30Z

She tells me a story I've never heard
And I begin to cry at the fact that
Such a horrific thing happened and I couldn't be there
I become scared that more things like that will happen
When I'm gone from here
Things that sometimes I feel like could be in my control
Are so far away from it
While I want to leave and see the world,
See something different for a change,
I hate the thought of leaving behind what's meant the most to me
All these years, all these times
Where I've been lost,
I'm leaving behind the things I love the most
Just to continue what's necessary to the rest of my life.
Sometimes I don't want to be angry and sad
I don't want to miss people and places as much as I will,
At this point, I'm not quite sure what choice would make me happier,
If I stayed here and regretted never seeing anything else,
Or going out to where I'm going just to find a difference to compare
But I will not forget the people I have and have had here,
Nor will I hate the people I have there
Simply because the new things are confusing and strange.
I will tough it out for all of their sakes,
And though I watch tears fall down all of their faces,
And I sob myself to sleep tonight,
I still know that we are all connected in the best of ways,
Connected By love and there's nothing I would trade
For the world to feel so cared about,
To know what it feels like to love someone else,
Just this much, even though the only thing I'll be able to
Touch is the photographs of their faces
I can do this, just smile once more for me,
One last kiss,
Farewell.

poetry 195

2009-08-26T03:43:10Z

Oh he's so in love with me,
I'm so in love with him,
Sometimes I wonder if anything is better than this bliss
He gives me poetry with his eyes
And his love is overpowering the rest of the world's angry lies
He makes me smile and holds my head
In his lap and strokes my hair away from my neck
Like cuddling the wings of a baby bird,
As if he knows his touch could break me
I kiss his lips gently as he falls asleep,
Hoping he dreams of my kiss until he awakens
And I sit and watch him and smile
At just how lucky I am,
And how much I appreciate the little things
And the warmth and happiness seeing his smile brings

poetry 194

2009-08-18T18:36:21Z

I sit down at a table where you are seated
You are flipping through an album of things that
Used to happen consistently
And never happen anymore
You look up at me and smile lightly,
As if the past has gone and things are about to move forward
And I smile and say hello,
Saying I needed to talk to you before the world as we know it ends
Before it all is blown over by reality and disaster
And change, and we talk of things that have come and gone
And mistakes I made and why things went wrong
We casually chat over breakfast and tea,
I feel you've held up a lot of me,
And you say to come back sometime
But I know it won't be for years
As I pass you in the car I feel no tears
Just happiness at seeing a friendly face
Who was there when I was always a disgrace
And though what we had has gone away,
Our memories haunt my dreams and I cannot help
But think that there is no way that leaving me alone
Was necessary in my future plans,
But it almost seems like it had to happen because
Of what I did-
I needed a break from everyone,
Because I didn't know who I was,
But when the time came for opened arms,
I did not know how to come back,
And became a stranger to what was once familiar,
What I once enjoyed became sad or annoying or hurtful
And I left you all alone,
I gave up and fell apart without you there
It's been a strange few months without your support
It's been odd without you to call,
Even when you wouldn't answer,
I still felt like you were there.
And now it's like the ghost of me resides in pictures
Where I should have been standing beside you,
And I realize I was gone before you left my life for good,
But at least I still have dreams to remind me that
I once had friends just like you. And that,
At one point thoughts of our happiness never put tears in my eyes.

poetry 193

2009-08-16T05:21:58Z

I'd like to feel nothing,
I always say I'm numb but I think I'm lying
I think I'm actually feeling everything at once
And my mind prefers to pretend
That I feel nothing when I feel it all
The emotions never end
My eyes are getting blurry
From too many unmarked tears
I don't know why I'm crying
It just seems appropriate here
I don't know why I'm angry at them
It seems like how I should feel
It must be the reason
For all the strange things happening to me
Why should I feel anything
When nothing seems real?

poetry 192

2009-08-15T03:51:39Z

my musings on Phoebe in Wonderland, a dramatic but lovely movie about hard truths, and gives a bit of a different look at Alice in Wonderland. Maybe Lewis Carroll wasn't so crazy?

The looking glass spins as
She twirls her skirt in rhythm
To the strange music and the swirls
Of colors surrounds her in the world
Of opposites that derange her distinction
Between imagination and reality,
What makes sense to a foolish child makes no sense
To an adult who has nothing but
Regret for what they didn't do in their lives
And to think that they believe they know what she doesn't
When they've never experienced quite the same wonder and awe
At how things can never be.

poetry 191

2009-08-11T07:32:06Z

I've been seeing all these memories
Of all the good and wonderful times
That we had when the hour glass was bigger
And the future was a lot brighter
The laughs were so much easier
The timing always beautiful and perfect
Now we are so breakable and
We cannot do anything to stop the damage
We inflicted from the changes to our lives
Throughout these poignant years,
Withstanding all the battles
Defiant tears rain upon your masquerade
Of faces from the past that haunt your every move
Like shadows on a distant path
From times when happiness was so certain
And everything was predictable
Now the game has totally deranged itself
From what it's original plan was to be
Now your heart is not always in what you do
And everyone around you sees the evidence
That you have been scarred by what was
And what never was
And you scare them all away
With your darkening eyes as you
Gaze upon your own upcoming life
Do you feel the freedom they say comes with this age?
Or has happiness abandoned you
Like it so often likes to?

poetry 190

2009-08-09T05:13:00Z

There will always be a letter
That I will never get to write
It's been in my head and in my heart
I've thought about it at night
I keep it close,
I put it away
I'll hold it out to them someday
Just in case they want to read my mind

There will always be a song
That I will never need to sing
It's been floating along
It's a lone, distant melody
I'd keep it together
But it all falls apart
I'll breathe it in whispers to you
My minimalist art

There will always be a phrase
That I will always long to say
There will always be a time
When someone never has the time of day
For me,
But I'm alright,
It's okay,
I think I like it just fine that way
I don't want the pressure to clench up and fade
My life away

There is never going to be
A way to express what I need to do
Except through words that make no sense
Except through holding onto you
I'll keep you near me,
Till if we ever feel we're through-
Because darling, it's simple,
I love you

poetry189

2009-08-07T15:26:52Z

Feel like I'm on the doorstep
Of someone else's door
Sitting out here crying
It's not called home anymore

I want to write your name in the trees
Scope out a sunrise that I can retrieve
Just to bring it back to how it used to be
This isn't home anymore

These are the sidewalks upon which I've wrote,
The penmanship was small but it once gave me hope
Yes, I've got problems of my own, that's for sure,
But I'll leave them with my back to that old rusting door.

Just give me time, and I'll come to you and unwind
But all I know right now is,
There's something more to my life than this
There's something left missing that I need to find

I need a place where I don't have to lose love
Pull out flowers with weeds and songs rise from above
I will always remember your sweet loving kiss, but,
No, we're not home, and I don't know where that is.

poetry 188

2009-08-04T04:03:09Z

Too late darling, I'm dying here
Left in a bloody mess awake from
Distress and I hate the sound of crying
But I can't help it
I hate to see you angry but I want to
Make you hurt sometimes
I hate to see you hurting but I
Cut into you sometimes
With my words of truth and
I'm too honest but I need to let you know
That if you don't follow a good path
I'm going to let everything flow
I'm not sure where life goes from here
It's empty and strange and new and brash
I have a pocket full of flowers
But as I pull them out they turn to ash
I don't quite fit into old arms
I don't complete this puzzle piece
I just squash into place confusedly
I've fallen into another place where I don't know if I want to belong
Another part of me breaks in the overly-long process
Of trying to un-complicate my life

ii.
You say
There used to be a light behind my eyes
Where did it go?
The years took it with them, did they?
Or was it the past winter's frosted snow?
Was I once full of promise in your
Ever-knowing mind?
Was I something that was less confused?
I have always been a little, confined child

Maybe it was that storming rain that
Cleaned me of my purities?
Maybe I've just always been insane
And you never realized that of me?
But maybe you are right and I have gone...
The motivation disappeared and depression has won
But at the same time I think you're wrong

Maybe the sunlight
Burnt out whatever made me whole?
It evaporated in the hot summer air and
Never arose again?
Maybe you just don't know what you think you know?
Well, whenever I get lonely and dig myself into a hole,
I do have a bit of writing left in me
To keep me from losing the rest of my soul
To time, people, and experiences.